A friend of mine posted this link in our mommy group a few minutes ago: http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2012/06/13/dont-just-wait-until-theyre-teenagers/
The following excerpt is from this article. While I don't agree with everything in it, this particular paragraph on behavior modeling really toasted my proverbial poptart:
Civil children come from civil environments.
Many parents feel free to speak to their children with a level of incivility
they would not use with anyone else they know. They bark orders. They raise
their voices. They use sarcasm and contempt: "Seriously? That's how you
cleaned your room?" They poison civil language with contemptuous tone:
"Ryan, please put your shoes on." They
patronize. They roll their eyes and sigh. They construct a cocktail of word
choice, tone, and body language that they would not serve to a co-worker,
friend, or stranger on the street. And then they serve it liberally to an
under-aged consumer, the smallest neighbor they are called to love
preferentially: their own child. Yet they are shocked to end up with an
adolescent fluent in the language of contempt.
Yikes.
Now, I know some homes where husband and wife scream and
yell at each other constantly. Some people were raised in an environment where
this is the way conflict was handled. It bothers me. It seriously bothers me. I
refuse to model that example to my son. Thankfully, screaming and yelling was
rarely part of my childhood, so while I have little tolerance for it, I also
have little example of it, either. So far in our two years of marriage, David
and I have never raised our voices against each other.
But that's not what this article is talking about, though
the opening began with that.
The reason this paragraph stood out to me is that I picked
up on something much more subtle that was modeled to me, and something that I
still struggle with as of last night at 2 in the morning. It's passive-aggressive
anger. It's choosing to be darkly silent and cold toward those who have
displeased you. You know Jenny's really upset when she's utterly quiet and clinically
precise with her tone and mannerisms.
I have been blessed with an incredible husband who has
helped me greatly on this by taking the high road and calling me out. He can
tell that something's wrong and he'll kindly ask for me to open up to him. When
I talk to him and express myself, I make myself vulnerable to that anger, but
in an environment where there is love and understanding available to draw me
closer, whereas before there was loneliness and bitterness embracing me as I
secluded myself to brood.
The uncivil body and verbal language being described here is
me to a T. "Seriously?" is one of my favorite unhappy words. Sarcasm
easily transitions from being jovial and gentle to stabbing and biting. Closed-off
body language is the most infuriating thing my husband can experience from me:
"you don't find me worthy in those moments to share what you're feeling."
What could be more hideous to see from my child? Why do I do
that to my husband? If I model that type of behavior to my son, that's exactly
what I can expect back from him. Where I often rely on my husband to call me
out and take the high road, I have got to make the choice to take the high road
myself and lay down my pride for the sake of these incredible men in my life.
I think it's time for me to lay down this sin and ask for
Christ to forgive me and give me His love for my family.
