Guilty of Contempt

A friend of mine posted this link in our mommy group a few minutes ago: http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2012/06/13/dont-just-wait-until-theyre-teenagers/

The following excerpt is from this article. While I don't agree with everything in it, this particular paragraph on behavior modeling really toasted my proverbial poptart: 

Civil children come from civil environments. Many parents feel free to speak to their children with a level of incivility they would not use with anyone else they know. They bark orders. They raise their voices. They use sarcasm and contempt: "Seriously? That's how you cleaned your room?" They poison civil language with contemptuous tone: "Ryan, please put your shoes on." They patronize. They roll their eyes and sigh. They construct a cocktail of word choice, tone, and body language that they would not serve to a co-worker, friend, or stranger on the street. And then they serve it liberally to an under-aged consumer, the smallest neighbor they are called to love preferentially: their own child. Yet they are shocked to end up with an adolescent fluent in the language of contempt.

Yikes.

Now, I know some homes where husband and wife scream and yell at each other constantly. Some people were raised in an environment where this is the way conflict was handled. It bothers me. It seriously bothers me. I refuse to model that example to my son. Thankfully, screaming and yelling was rarely part of my childhood, so while I have little tolerance for it, I also have little example of it, either. So far in our two years of marriage, David and I have never raised our voices against each other.

But that's not what this article is talking about, though the opening began with that.

The reason this paragraph stood out to me is that I picked up on something much more subtle that was modeled to me, and something that I still struggle with as of last night at 2 in the morning. It's passive-aggressive anger. It's choosing to be darkly silent and cold toward those who have displeased you. You know Jenny's really upset when she's utterly quiet and clinically precise with her tone and mannerisms.

I have been blessed with an incredible husband who has helped me greatly on this by taking the high road and calling me out. He can tell that something's wrong and he'll kindly ask for me to open up to him. When I talk to him and express myself, I make myself vulnerable to that anger, but in an environment where there is love and understanding available to draw me closer, whereas before there was loneliness and bitterness embracing me as I secluded myself to brood.

The uncivil body and verbal language being described here is me to a T. "Seriously?" is one of my favorite unhappy words. Sarcasm easily transitions from being jovial and gentle to stabbing and biting. Closed-off body language is the most infuriating thing my husband can experience from me: "you don't find me worthy in those moments to share what you're feeling."

What could be more hideous to see from my child? Why do I do that to my husband? If I model that type of behavior to my son, that's exactly what I can expect back from him. Where I often rely on my husband to call me out and take the high road, I have got to make the choice to take the high road myself and lay down my pride for the sake of these incredible men in my life.

I think it's time for me to lay down this sin and ask for Christ to forgive me and give me His love for my family. 

My Top 10 Pros and Cons of Pregnancy so Far

Pros:
My husband LOVES touching my hair. It feels thicker and has more body now.
I got a whole new wardrobe for free (to me). These maternity clothes are cuter than the ones I had!
Lots of back rubs and snuggles.
A lovely glow.
Getting to feel Raiden kicking and moving.
Getting to see awesome ultrasounds.
Lots of glorious sleep!
No time of the month for NINE WHOLE MONTHS!
Having the excuse, "I'm growing a person, what did YOU do today?"
Large...tracts of land.... ;)


Cons:
A whole bunch of doctors' visits that do little or nothing fun, and quite a few un-fun things.
Having to eat constantly...it gets old very quickly.
Temporarily losing that schoolgirl figure.
Temporarily losing libido.
My eczema is worse.
Back aches and stretchy pains.
Can't garden as long at a stretch or eat sushi or half-cooked meat or drink booze.
Occasional bouts of PMS-like grouchiness.
Occasional gas and/or nausea.
The bump gets in the way of almost everything.

22 weeks and I found a cool update!

How Far Along: 22 weeks!

Size of baby: 1-ish lbs. <3

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained around 3-5 lbs so far. 

Maternity Clothes: Right now, I'm in a conventional everything but shirt, depending on the garment.

Gender: Boy

Movement: A few times per day, usually around mealtime and bedtime.

Sleep:  <3 sleep. I'd sleep 9-10 hours/day every day if I could. I usually can.

What I miss: Rolling over not requiring an act of Congress, sushi

Cravings: Breakfast, salty foods, protein-rich foods, and macaroni.

Symptoms: I eat a lot, I sleep a lot, my back gets achy, and POOF! Out stretches the tummy!

Best Moment this week: Going to visit my family for Memorial Day on the spur of the moment. I packed while they drove up to get me! 

Name: We are almost entirely set on Raiden Christopher. I love it so much!

In Other News: I had my first ever chiropractor appointment this week. Hopefully getting adjusted and following his advice will help me to have a better time when it comes to labor and delivery as well as an easier time with my body changing during pregnancy. 

Oh, Halfway There!

This is a picture from the ultrasound yesterday. Our little minja is most definitely a boy. The ultrasound tech told us we could buy blue and throw away the receipts, he'd put the odds at 100%.

So far our name-hunting journey has led us to Raiden as a first name, and a possible middle name of Christopher, though we're both thinking about it before finalizing that decision. David was definitely right, our choice of first name has brought the gamers out in force. (Raiden, since it's Japanese in origin, is the name of a couple of popular video game characters, most notably in Mortal Kombat.)

Today marks the beginning of week 20, the halfway mark. I've been one of the "lucky ones" who had little to no nausea, and even now only feel poorly if I A) do not take my prenatal vitamin, B) overdo it in the garden, like hoeing for 2 hours without stopping, or C) get sleep deprived. If I do overdo it in any of these areas, I feel nauseated for about 10 minutes, toss my lunch in the bathroom, then am immediately fine to go get a new lunch.

This picture was taken about two weeks ago. I don't look much bigger now than I did then, barely a discernible bump unless I wear really tight clothes. A new dad told us that the time until 20 weeks or so looks more like "that lady had too many hamburgers" and less like a baby. 

Speaking of baby, I feel him frequently now, especially after meals and when I'm trying to go to sleep. He thumps around happily and I'm glad he's exercising, even if it means I lie in bed for a while until he settles down so I can sleep.

Right now, the biggest concern I have isn't for the baby's development (which has been perfect), my own mothering, or delivery. It's been location. Not knowing where we'll be living or where David will be working kinda stinks, especially because I want so badly to collect the baby furniture in one place. These past 20 weeks have flown by, and summers always go by super fast for me, so I know it will be no time at all before I'm holding my son and need a place to lay him down. If that means a pack and play in our bedroom, that's fine by me, but I want to prepare for that emotionally and physically. If that means its own nursery in a new house, I want to prepare for that.

Honestly, though, I know we are where we are supposed to be for right now. I'm doing everything in my power (that I can think of) to be prepared for when we take our next step. I'm learning so much about being a mom and getting fun ideas of things to do with our son for later.

Well, that's about it for now!

16 weeks and not a dull moment yet!

So, I thought I'd share an atypical day in the life of this preggo woman. My husband and I are house sitting for his parents this week and it's been loads of fun.

My camera documentation began when I took this photo to demonstrate how I was barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.

You can clearly see both my feet and my baby bump. I was cooking up a batch of hamburger and hot dog buns and I took a trip into the laundry room to relieve the freezer of some hot dogs. Then I saw this:

Yup. It's three cats all trying to kill a giant rat. The scene was hilarious. Before I continue, let's introduce the players, and go ahead and make your bets on who killed the rats.

Bynx-The "Momma" cat (the white and black one), an experienced hunter, but getting a little old
Gisko-Bynx's daughter, a mighty huntress who often brings back catches and leaves them on the doorstep
Little Bit-The playful and fearless Bobtail who has made a kill or two
Pepper-The cross-eyed grey Balinese who sleeps all day
The yet officially unnamed puppy-who is about as big as the rat (part terrier, part Australian shepherd)
Lick-The giant tongue who lays around and is scared of bugs (part lab, part pit bull)
David-The husband who was playing Skyrim when all this started
Jenny-The preggo woman
Minja-The unborn baby to whom the blog title refers.

Made your guesses yet? The rat does die at the end...and one of these characters finishes it off.

I saw the cats chasing the rat as it hid behind the litter box. The sight was hilarious, so I called David in to watch. We watched and laughed as Pepper stared down the rat, cross-eyed, while Little Bit did most of the leg work. Bynx corralled the rat, but didn't make any moves in its direction.

Finally, Little Bit caught the rat and flung it around, hissing and growling as it bit back after she bit it. Soon she'd had enough and let go. The rat ran into the bathroom, then into our room and behind one of David's speakers. The cats had apparently had enough of this bigger-than-usual foe, so they stood back and watched instead of pouncing as it ran around.

Then David grabbed an empty trash can and tore off part of the pizza box from last night's dinner and spanked the rat until it walked into the trash can and he took it outside. But not before I snapped a picture!

This is a 13-gallon trash can and the rat was as long as the bottom was wide, easily.

So, David dumped it outside.

And....

Lick killed it. The otherwise useless tongue that is afraid of butterflies finished off the injured rat. And we grilled it. Just kidding on the grill bit. We did grill some magnificent hamburgers and chicken, though.

These are the delicious homemade hamburger and hot dog buns. Now we have to buy some hot dogs, since apparently there weren't any in the freezer after all. Maybe I can make some rat hot dogs. Nah, too much real meat. :)

Almost out of first trimester!

I'd like to say, "and good riddance" but really, I feel like a college freshman going into sophomore year.  I've gotten through the first round, but there is still a long road ahead, and I have no idea what the rest of this ride is going to entail.  I've been through just enough to dissolve most of my pre-conceived notions about what pregnancy would be like, but not enough to build a better expectation.

1. This past Monday was my 11-week appointment.  All was well, and it was uneventful.  Somehow, I managed not to gain any weight, despite eating constantly (and yes, holding it down, too).  I shaved my legs in vain, and I am NOT complaining about it!  Apparently, the next appointment will be much like this one.

2. I have a baby bump.  David noticed it just yesterday, and he's been rather excited about it.  I am at an awkward stage where my clothes don't quite fit correctly, but I'm no where near my maternity clothes size.  I'm hoping to find and dig out my maxi dresses from last summer to wear, but haven't located them in the building yet.  Apparently, according to David's mom and little brother, I "look pregnant" even in how I stand and walk already.  I hope this isn't a sign of a weak back and is just my body adjusting to its new role as a human incubator.

3. Lauren and I have begun to exercise together.  Our "stage 1" is a brisk, 2-mile walk.  So far, we've had some lovely adventures on our walks.  The first one was when Lauren spotted a vaccine bottle on the side of the road.  We are near a veterinary clinic, so we assumed it was some kind of dog vaccine and determined to learn more about our find.  In fact, it was a conjugate to a meningitis vaccine, and had no business being outside of a landfill.  It must have fallen off of the garbage truck, because there is no reason for anyone traveling that road to have one of those.  The second discovery was made by Lauren as well, as I almost stepped on it.  It was a baby king snake.  He was sunning himself in the middle of the road.  I poked him with a stick to get him to bite it (odd hobby, I know) and Jeremy picked him up and took him home to help keep the compost pile clean.  We hope to see him again sometime, grown up and fat with pests.

4. So, sorry, no mood swings to report.  Really, so far I've gotten a little snippy, and occasionally I will voice some opinionated blurbs to David, but I haven't gone all "crazy preggo" just yet.  Maybe I should stage one?  I really just don't want to be hurtful in the words I say.  I'm okay with "feeling" hormonally emotional, as long as I maintain my composure and treat people with the same kindness that I would like to see from them.

5. Finally, I've decided that I would like to try to read more.  I have enjoyed different kinds of relaxing lately and hope to maybe lay out in the sun or on my bed and add more reading and writing (that are not work-related) to my platter.  And please pray for me--it is a decently full and occasionally overwhelming platter.

Imparting maturity

Now that I'm heading rapidly in the direction of parenthood, I'm wondering what goals parenthood should have. Is it to keep the kid alive and in possession of its limbs until it can go off and repeat the process?  Is it to create a prepared and acclimated member of the culture, so that when you "release it into the wild" it can do well?

Among these thoughts is the idea of maturity.  I've been evaluating my own maturity as well as what the goal of maturity is in evaluating progress into adulthood.  I've never really thought of myself as much of an adult, though I've usually assumed myself to be more mature than most.  This has backfired into humiliation a time or two, and I've looked back to see that I spent much of my life playacting maturity in order to seem superior to these odd creatures, these "other kids my age" with whom I rarely interacted.  So, I traded this cultural comparison for one a little less nebulous.

Paul almost interrupts the most famous text on love ever written with this description (1 Cor. 13:11):

When I was a child, 
I spoke like a child, 
I thought like a child, 
I reasoned like a child. 
When I became a man, 
I put aside childish things.


This is a little more of what I was looking for.  The context is incredible--instead of trying to get an idea of what love "is" in a futile description of an emotion that changes from person to person, it instead describes what love does.  This verse transitions from describing love to describing growth, then the chapter ends with the idea that faith, hope, and love remain, even though we only see God and these things like we're looking into a scratched mirror.

So, maturity can be put into three distinct categories: speech, thought, and reasoning.  We often laugh at or even delight in the simplicity of childlike minds...when they are present in children.  But in adults, we expect a development of selflessness, understanding, and communication that goes beyond what children naturally do.

Paul isn't simply talking about the human experience here, though.  He's encouraging the Corinthians to grow up and put aside their childish pursuit of their own lusts and inclinations and aspire to this more mature, selfless love.  And really, that's how I'd sum up maturity.  Selfless love that desires what's best (not just what feels best) for others.  You can see it demonstrated in speech, thought, and reasoning, as well as any other aspect of life--priorities, actions, what have you.

So then....how to make this happen?  How do you get from childish selfishness to mature, selfless love?  I think the example of Christ is an immense picture of ultimate selfless love, and we can mirror it in our day-to-day actions and setting of priorities.  But in the end, the heart is His to change.  We can work along with Him toward the goal, but without His enabling power, we are hopeless to attain this change on our own.  It's not just about actions and motives, it's also about strengthening our relationship with Him as well as with those around us.

Which means I'm not going to arrive today.  Drat.